Mirror

It has been a long time since I have posted on this blogspot. But I have missed writing. Freely putting my thoughts out there for all to read. Sounds so poetic. Recently I just returned from a trip to South Korea. Growing up I knew I would one day visit Africa and fall in love...with the continent. And that I did. When talking about returning overseas....Asia was never on the radar. But God has a way of revealing Himself in the places we never thought to take a look. So I was in Korea for a little over two weeks working with children. I left for the trip with only one expectation...to have my world ROCKED by Jesus. He always goes above and beyond what we could ask or imagine. Going to Korea was like standing infront of the mirror removing the bandages from my eyes...bandages that prohibited me from seeing me. In the mirror I saw the girl who loves to love...and have that love received by children who are hungry for a touch of warmth, comfort, and acceptance. I saw the girl who thrives in a community full of laughter, tears, vulnerablity, and love. I even caught a glimpse of the girl created to create ways to express a deep love for her Savior. The experience was intoxicating. I worked hard, played hard, and loved even harder. There were days when I wanted to take a nap or sleep in...but the desire to approach each day with the wonder of what the God of the universe was going to do...was more than enough motivation for me to keep going. I experienced John 10:10. And it was good. It was not utopia or a bubble where I resided in out of the ordinary situations that would normally not take place in the real world...I was experiencing reality. The reality of a God who desires us to experience Him in every nook and cranny of our lives. I drank in every moment that I could and licked the bone clean. And I walk away hoping that I remember what I saw when I looked in that mirror. For it was me.

Love in the Details

Last night I watched the Oprah's Legend's Ball. Now for those who know me well know my thoughts on Oprah. But based on the weekend that she provided for such legends as Coretta Scott King, Cicely Tyson, and Dr. Maya Angelo...I can definitely say that I tip my hat to her. During the program she was explaining what went into planning the grand weekend. And she made a comment...everything had to come together because love is in the details. At that moment I actually agreeded with something Oprah said. I started thinking about things or events that I have planned and how excited I get about putting all of the little details together. Even if the recipient is not aware...I still love the details. And then I started thinking about my life (Just like Mary J. Blige sings, "If you look at my life and see what I've seen") and how God has been so intricate with all of the details in my life. Of course some were easier to spot than others and many more I have probably yet to realize. And perhaps some I never will. But there is this overwhelming calm at times that reminds me that He is in control. And what He is planning is so grand that I can not even fully wrap my mind around it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that God is not only the beginning and the end...but everything in-between. Yesterday I was driving and attempting to give God a little advice on what I thought would be the perfect timing for something as well as the way it should take place. And then He said...where were you when I gave the stars their names. Yeah...I was quickly reminded that He does not need my counsel...He pretty much has it all under control. Even the details.

Love

I am so glad that God offers Grace. I am thankful that He receives me. How can I possibly think that I can make it a single day without Him. He is simply sooooo good. He is always present...even when it seems like He is miles away. He holds my life in His hands. He knows me by name...and He calls my name. He doesn't hide or play games. He doesn't shut down or ignore me. He is never moody...but accepts me even when I am. He never lies...He only speaks Truth. He knows every single broken part of me...and He longs to heal it. He doesn't push me away but pulls me closer. He promises to never leave me. His songs are always sweet. Even when He must discipline me...He does so because of love. With Him I am never too emotional or too overwhelming. He listens...always. One of my favorite movies is First Knight. Mainly because of one scene. Sean Connery ( who is very attrative though he is 70 years old) is leading his new wife to the edge of this little cliff so he can show her all of the land that belongs to her. The reason why I love that scene is because I always imagine that when I see Jesus face to face...He will take me by my hand, tell me that He has been waiting for me, and then He will show me the place where I will spend forever with Him. People think I have this great big heart...so full of love. Wrong. Truly the only good thing in me is Jesus. I want to be like Mary of Bethany and pour everything at His feet. Disregarding everyone else around me. Simply because He is Jesus. Saying I need Him every hour is an understatement. The other day I was feeling a little blah...but I knew I could not give up. He has placed this hope so deep within me. Not necessarily a hope for one particular thing...but just hope. I thought about the beautiful hymn...O Love that Wilt Not Let Me Go. So true. I may never walk an aisle here on earth...but with everything that is within me...I know that I have been chosen to be His bride. And right now that is more than enough. Sometimes I just think....it is not a dream...I really will get to see Him one day...face to face. What a day of rejoicing that will be.

He really does know me.

Yesterday was one of those days when you just need to know that someone out there truly does know you to the core. So let's get real for a moment. Last night I was having a conversation with my mother. We were talking about things taking place in the black church. Now...I would be naive to think that are society is unaware of the stereotypes attributed to the different ethnicities...so I am not going to try and be politically correct. Anyway, I made the comment that I love being black. And she did not believe me. I was floored. She then said there was a time when she believed I did not want to be black. Her reasoning was because in college I started wearing flannel shirts. I was completely devestated. My father told me that I should cross the bridge and get over it. I told him that I expect a comment like that from someone who does not know me...but not from my mother. I know that I will get over it...right now those words just echo in my head. I have said before...being black is not something that I have to try and become...it is something that I am. And I am very proud of that. But last night my little heart was so sad. I thought if my mother does not know me...(and that is what it really felt like) then who else is there. So I had to turn to some Truth before my overanalyzing mind kicked into full gear. And I read Ps. 139. Two things I just kept reading and saying in my mind over and over again. (much like Nelly and Tim McGraw...see if Nelly can sing with a country singer...why can't I like a little Rascal Flatts) Not only does my Father know me...but He has known me and He understands my thoughts. That is rich. Sometimes I take that for granted. But last night I grabbed onto that Truth. I am just me. The other day I reminded a friend to go to the Lord because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. This is a burden I have carried for a long time. I can actually remeber the first time it became a burden...But I am tired of carrying it. So now that I know a little more about the One who knows and understands me...maybe I can take Him at His word even more and get some freedom in this area of my life.

Identity

I have been watching this new reality show lately...Black and White. They take two families and they switch races. They try and find out what it is like to be the other race. It is a very interesting show and makes me ponder several things. I am always aware that I am black and I am always aware that I am a woman. Those two things are not going to change. I love being black!!! I enjoy learning about the rich heritage of African-Americans and the things that we as a people have endured. I love being a woman. What a gift. ( Not saying that being a man is not a gift!!!) I love feeling soft and feminine, yet possessing this strength that is full of grace and beauty. I enjoy learning about women in the Bible and the beautiful way that God has used women. Amazing. There is another part of my identity that I am just now starting to truly embrace. Ambassador of Christ. That is very much a part of who I am. Even though I have been told that I do not fully represent the stereotypes attributed to black people...being black is not something I have to try and become....it is who I am. As much as I try...I can not become an Ambassador of Christ...it is who I am. So what does that mean? I better know Who it is that I am representing. I have to know His character, His name, His love. I have to know Him.

Still there?

I love being with people who are down and out. Not because it makes me realize that I am blessed...but because I am able to offer love to someone that feels rejected and alone. That is how I first met Jesus almost 12 years ago. About 5 years ago I was in Mobile, Alabama as a site director. While visiting one of my track leaders at a nursing home, I broke away from the group to visit this cute little lady who was sitting alone in her wheelchair in an empty room. I remember that she was wearing something blue. That is not important...but I just remember that fact. I knelt down beside her and realized that she was blind. She was so beautiful. She had lots of wrinkles on her face and hands...so I knew that she had lived. I try talking to her but she did not respond. So I decided to sing to her. After singing Amazing Grace, I sang " I Can Only Imagine." After I finished I was quiet for awhile...but then her sweet voice said, "Are you still there?" Though I was sitting right beside her...she did not know I was there...but wanting the affirmation of not being alone...compeled her to speak. Last night I was weary. I could not hear Jesus singing over me...and so I asked Him if He was still there. Of course He is...but I needed to know. King David needed to know...several times he needed to know. He is not going to leave. But sometimes I get turned around and I have to beg Him to come and find me. He is so good. I am glad that His word ( praise Him for giving us His Word) promises me that He will never leave nor forsake me. I don't know about you...but I can never get tired of hearing that. Praise Him.

Raw Thoughts

On Sunday night I went to a Young Adult/Contemporary worship service. This was not the first time I had been to this particular church...but on this night I was having one of those days when you just either want to stay under the covers or have someone give you a hug that seems to last for an eternity. I did not want to go...but I knew that I needed to. So I pulled into the parking lot...there were already tons of people there. ( I normally get there early so I can kind of watch and observe as opposed to being observed. So I took a deep breath and proceeded to walk inside and wait for the doors of the chapel to open. As soon as they did I took a seat in the back (normally I am down front) but that night I wanted to blend in. Of course I whipped out the journal and started writing. So...I am going to share those thoughts in their raw, unedited form. (I feel like I am talking about a movie that is going to be on TV and the announcer says..."viewer discretion advised." No worries...these thoughts are rated G. :)

"Surely I am not the only one who is wonderfing right now if I matter...have a purpose...am needed or wanted....Walking alone through a crowd can at times be a very liberating experience. Not so much today....it is scary and intimidating. But it forces me not to look down at my shoes - but to walk with my head high. Not in a "unapproachable" kind of way - but like I am choosing and enjoying being here alone. It would be very easy to make a list of all that I am not as these "beautiful" people walk past me. But they too had to check the mirror before they left home wondering if they looked "good enough" to come and worship the Creator who always sees us as beautiful. So I take it all in and choose not to plant my feet in this way of thinking...easier said than done? Not at the moment. In a little while we will dim the lights and acknowledge that all who gather here by grace draw near and bless His name. "

I left leaving some things on the altar. It was a good night.