Sweet Little Tiffany

Except for my 2 year stint of being "suave and sassy" in New Orleans, I have always been "cute and chunky." During middle school that was not always a good thing to be because kids can be cruel. Though I was popular and athletic...I was still picked on at times. My 8th grade year my class took a trip to Otter Creek Park to do a little camping, repeling, and splunking. It was great!!!! My fondest memory of that trip took place in a cave while we were...splunking. Just saying that makes me sound extreme. :) It was a pretty rough adventure, but fun. There were 25 boys in my class and only 5 girls (including me). For the most part we had all gone to school together since kindergarden, so we were tight. Anyway...we came to a part in the cave where we had to be lifted and pulled onto this rock. Well needless to say...being "fluffy" and having to depend on someone else to help me get on this rock was a little overwhelming for my sensitive heart. But...Paul Edwards came to my rescue. For that moment the boys in my class pulled together to help me. No one laughed. No one made any bad comment. Later Matt Kialein asked me if I was alright. ( He used to love to tease me in the 6th grade) But with their support and encouragement I made it. That moment still resonates inside of me. Nine years later I was a semester missionary in New Orleans (before seminary). I worked with my sweet little inner city babies. I taught Bible Club and I was a tutor...but more than that I was just there whenever they needed me. One day I decided to take my 2nd and 3rd graders to the playground so they could be kids. There was only 1 swing. It was pretty high so the kids had to jump into the swing from the ground. Well one of my kids...sweet little tiffany...reminded me of myself. She was cute and fluffy and she was having a little trouble getting into the swing. Before I could go over and help her...the class came together and lifted her onto the swing. The look on her face. The look on my face. Of course she was a journal entry that night. It is amazing what we can do we are encouraged and supported.
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith..."- Hebrews 12:1-2a
I hear Abraham, Moses, Hannah, Ruth, Samuel, Peter, Paul, Mary mother of Jesus....cheering me on. Encouraging me through their stories. They struggled, they believed, they asked questions, they cried out...and Jehovah Raah...the God who sees...walked with them every step. And that same God that spoke to them and wrote their story...is the same Powerful, Loving, God who speaks to me as He writes my story.
Boston is a gift. I know that. Getting there...from here...though a gift as well...is a little bit harder. But I press on and allow those who have gone before me to encourage me along the way.

Keepin' it real!!!

Obedience is a hard thing sometimes. Let's just be honest. Today I am completely overwhelmed about moving to Boston. Is it what I am supposed to do? Yes. Do I want to do it? No. At least not right now at this moment. Why? Moving to a part of the country where I know absolutely no one scares me. Raising support scares me. Being alone scares me. Messing up scares me. I am comfortable right now. I do not have a lot of bills. I have a job that I enjoy as well as the opportunity to advance in the company and "make a name for myself." I am needed, appreciated, and liked by my co-workers. I am close to my family. I won't get lost here like I know I will in Boston. :) It is not a matter of me feeling like I am making the wrong decision...it is a matter of what would be the worse that could happen if I change my mind and decide not to go. Let's just keep it real!! So then I ask myself why do I continue to say..."Ok Lord...let's go" Because my precious Shepherd has heard me and He is calling my name.

I wrote this during Passion...."Becokened, pursued, wooed, invited...to partake in a life of Holiness...to be captured and captivated by You. I hear you calling, yet why do I not respond. There is freedom in allowing You to be Lord, but the struggle is great. I want to win this fight but I can not do it alone. Search me and try me...find and expose the core of my greatest need and satisfy that need as only You know how. Cover me in the love that first drew me near. ....
The reason I have to go? Jesus. He promises that He will always be with me and He will hold me by my right hand. And there is going to be a lot of hand holdin' going on. People are constantly telling me how strong I am and how much faith I have. There was a song popular in the 90's with these lyrics...."They don't know that I go running home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just awhile. For deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child." That is me. I am strong because I have, in weakness wept before my Lord many times. I am strong because when everything and everyone has disappointed...He remains. I am strong simply because I know that in His presence I do not have to be. He has enough strength for me to stand on His shoulders. So though today I will not search the net for fun things to do in Boston, I will... one more time... crawl into His Words and let them encourage and sustain. And then when my joy comes in the morning...I will call AAA and order a map of Boston. :)

Where do broken hearts go?

Please do not let the title fool you. I am not going to talk about broken hearts and how men are from Venus and women are from Mars...I will save that for another day. (Just Kidding) Those that know me well know that I love to talk about relationships, marriage, and love. Though I used to get really caught up in the "romance" portrayed in most "chic flicks" the Lord has replaced that with a passion for the holy romance that only He can create between two people. I have always enjoyed Valentines Day...except one year...my freshman year of high school. I am not sure why that year was so different. I had not expereinced heart break and though I had a huge crush on Carlos Jones...pause for a moment...sweetness...ok....I was not expecting flowers to be delivered to my door or receive a kiss under the stairs near the band room. But for some reason I decided to dress in black on Valentines Day. I had gym my freshman year and I was known for singing at the top of my lungs while we changed clothes and got ready for our next class. Well on this day of dressing in black to mourn the lack of love in my life...I decided to serenade my friends with the ever popular song by Whitney Houston, "Where do broken hearts go." I am sure even sweet Paula Abdul would have taken on the personality of Simon Cowell if she was asked to judge my singing. But that was many years ago. Since then I have a new outlook on the day. The opportunites to share love on this day are endless. I am sure there are several widows who are going to experience their first Valentines Day without their spouse. If you know someone like this...cook them dinner and deliver it to them. Go to a nursing home and deliver carnations to people that normally never have a visitor. If you work with someone who is single and is having a hard time with all of this Valentine's "Stuff" surprise them with some fresh flowers. Remember the little Valentine's Cards we used to exchange in grade school? Who says you have to be a fifth grader to pass them out? Mail them to friends and family. And...take time to tell the people who mean a lot to you...that you care about them. Love is such a gift. Do not take it for granted. Sometimes it is harder to receive the love of someone then to give it away. And even if your sweet heart is a little broken and wounded...visit the Ultimate Lover and let Him heal you and lavish (such a good word...just chew on that for awhile) His perfect Holy love on you. Be creative. Have fun. Take a risk.

Cute and Chunky

Today was a "heavy" thinking day. The weather was absolutely beautiful so I knew that after work I must take a "Cynthia Day." For those that are unfamiliar with "Cynthia Day" let me explain. This is where I take a personal leave of absence. I am not really sure what I am taking personal leave from...but nonetheless I do. So after work I went home, put on a pair of Birkenstock ( because that is what you do when you take a personal day.) and headed to Starbucks. I have a new goal...to visit every Starbucks in Louisville, drink a cup of Chai (that is a Tall Chai Latte Skim please), write at least a page of notes for my book, and rate the entire experience on a 5 star scale. ( I am digressing in a major way but soon I will get to the title of this post.) Today the Chai was wonderful ( I added a little vanilla) but the atmosphere was a little chaotic so I rated this trip a 3. But I was sitting there listening to my Ipod (which included songs by Watermark, David Crowder, my sweet friend Sara Beth, and Matt Redman), reading Blue Like Jazz, alternating between my personal journal and my journal that contains thoughts about Boston, my book, Blue Like Jazz, and different sermons. My thoughts were heavy. Man. ( ok let the record show that is 12:45am Betty and Phil are still awake and they are being loud. My mother is laughing...we have the same laugh...and I think they are watching 227 or Amen...Bless)
So I needed a break from the intensity so I called my sweet friend Nanette and she answered the phone, "what's up homey." Loved it. So I left and headed to Subway...which is where the title comes into play. After I had my low fat sandwhich I realized, as I looked in the mirror in the bathroom, that I am no longer the suave and sassy woman I was while in N.O. I have become cute and chunky. That thought had the potential to push me over the edge. I mean my sister calls my Angela Davis because of my hair, then I had on these big, round earrings, a very cute scarf in my hair, baggy jeans, sweatshirt and Birks. Cute and chunky... that is me. I tell you turning 30 does something to the psyche. But this is what I learned...it is ok if I one day I where big round silver earrings and the next day my cute little heart earrings from Brighton. It is ok if I feel comfortable in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt one day and a killer outfit from Banana Republic the next day ( i have only shopped there once but the outfit is really cute) All of that stuff is going to fade. When I hug someone who is hurting or pray with someone because they are scared or I myself am crying to my sweet friend Erin because I wonder if I really do have a purpose...the clothes don't matter, the name brands, the kind or size of hair someone has. None of that matters. Just the heart. And though I refuse to remain cute and "chunky" I find such a sweet solace in knowing that my Jesus has arms that are strong enough to hold me and catch me. Yeah today was heavy...but I just exhaled...so that means it just got a little lighter.

Waiting for Michelle Kwan

Ok..I am a HUGE ice skating fan. I have been since I was a little girl. I am not good at ice skating, but I love to watch it. Michelle Kwan is probably my favorite female skater. I have pretty much followed her professional career. Last night she was not able to compete in the National Championships ( which determine who will represent America in the Olympics in Feb.) so she had to petition in order to be considered as a member of the Olympic Team. At 11:00pm there was supposed to be a live broadcast which would let us know if she was going to be a part of the team. So at 11:00pm I turned on ESPN ( which I love to watch anyway) and waited. In the bottom part of the screen there was a little box stating that the live broadcast was only moments away. The announcer kept saying that the broadcast with the results...was only moments away. So I waited. 10min passed, 15 min passed and before I knew it 45 min. had passed and I still did not know if she was going to actually be on the team. I think all America ( or maybe I was the only person who really stayed awake to wait) knew that the ruling was going to be in her favor...but I just wanted to actually hear them say it. I was getting sleepy and tired...but I needed to know. While I waited I was updated on what was going on in the NFL. I am now a huge fan of the not only the Denver Broncos but also New England Patriots. I learned that Lebron James committed to being a part of the Olympic team for 2008. A coach for a NHL team was fired and the GM took his position. I learned a lot while I was waiting. I wanted to go to bed but they kept saying that the announcement was only moments away. And I believed them. ( whoever this "them" is) And finally 1 1/2 hours later the scheduled 11:00pm time to announce the results...I learned Michelle Kwan was apart of the team. I did not jump up and down. I simply went to bed. ( excited nonetheless) Since June I have heard the Lord beckoning me to my promised land. He did not say where...He really did not give me any details. But He told me to wait because soon He would reveal the next step. So June, July, August, September, October, November and December passed by. During this time I have grown tired, wanted to throw in the towel, shed some tears, and pulled the covers over my head ready to call it a day. But I couldn't because He kept telling me that "the" announcement was only moments away. I because of His faithfulness in my life...I believed Him. I believe Him. As I waited I learned that He does reign, I desperately need to be invested with people and loving on them, I have a heart for those who have all of the "knowledge" in the world yet are living in ignorance and darkness, and that whatever I do I must do it for the Glory of Jesus Christ. Well after 8 months, I heard the announcement. I am moving to Boston( after the summer) to be a part of a church plant. Like knowing that Michelle would be named to the team, I knew there was something for me to do in God's kingdom and part of me believed it was in Boston...but I needed to hear God make the announcement. So now a new journey begins...but my mind is still processing. I will share those thoughts at a later time.

80's Crushes

Ok...I just realized that my last couple of posts were really long and heavy. So I deceided to do write something a little light. I think my mind needs a break because it has been in overdrive for the past 24hours.

So I decided to make a list of all of the curshes I had during the 80's. Some of the guys listed below actually made my "poster wall" when I was just a young girl. Please don't judge based on the names listed below...beauty is in the eye of the beholder. :)

Ralph Macchio
Kirk Cameron
Cockroach from the Cosby Show
Robert from the Cosby Show ( Vanessa's Boyfriend)
Johnny Depp (during 21 Jump Street)
All of the New Kids
All of New Edition...especially Ralph Tresvant and Johnny Gill ( I know they were really singing to me!!)
And finally...again please do not judge....Randy Jackson. He was definitely working the Jerri Curl!!!!

Song Sustainer

Well after a couple of days of processing I can now share a little about the Passion Conference. There is nothing like being in a large arena with 18,000 people lifting up the name of Jesus. I think what blesses my heart is the fact that when we lift up the name of Jesus He promieses to draw all men to Himself. My heart gets excited as I think about the people who had face to face encounters with the Living Savior. Rich!!!! On the first night I was standing at the very top of the areana looking out and singing "Your Grace is Enough" with Chris Tomlin. And it hit me...I have been singing this song since August. But...it has been just me and Chris (he was inside of my ear as I was listening to my ipod.) And now I was surrounded by 17,999 other people and it felt really good. The Lord has not only sustained me during this transitional, wilderness-like season, but He has also sustained my song. For that He is praised. I think the highlight of my week came when I was able to pray with 3 girls, all believers but dealing with such deep hurts. At a moment during the week where I felt a little insignificant, God allowed me to share and encourage someone else. He showed me that I may be insignificant in my little bitty story...but in His story though my role is small...He adores me and has a purpose for me. I would rather be a small character in His story than a large character in my little story. There is nothing in the world like hearing the Lover of my soul whisper my name!!! I am not...but I know I AM.

Finally

Well...after many years of saying that I am going to write a book I finally started it last night. I always thought I would have to wait until I was older or had experienced a lot of life. But I realized that I am older and for just being 30yrs old I have experienced a lot of life. (WIth a couple of traumatic experiences thrown in there.) I will not disclose any of the information about the book just quite yet. I will say that with the two hours I spent yesterday writing I am excited. My friend Greg told me this weekend...why don't you just write. So that is what I am doing. Who knows if it will ever make the bookshelf at Barnes and Noble or LIfeway...but just to have it published, read by a couple of people who are encouraged and have a deeper love for the Savior...that is enough for me. To God Be The Glory.